


Shades of Gray

by Karita Wyr (karitawyr)



Category: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: First Time, M/M, Not a Love Story, Qui-Gon does some sketchy stuff, Worried Obi-Wan Kenobi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:00:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24402439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karitawyr/pseuds/Karita%20Wyr
Summary: After the fall of the Republic, Obi-Wan Kenobi contemplates another's possible betrayal.
Relationships: Qui-Gon Jinn/Obi-Wan Kenobi
Kudos: 13
Collections: Master Apprentice Archive





	Shades of Gray

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GlassHouses](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlassHouses/gifts).



> In this story, I assign an action to Qui-Gon Jinn that according to Star Wars canon was done by another. Go with it.
> 
> Originally published December 2006.

Darkness is not absolute. There is a spectrum of darkness as well as a spectrum of light. It is more subtle, more difficult to distinguish the shifts along that spectrum.

At one edge of the spectrum is the darkness that descends as the sun sets, when the light is weakened by the pressing night. Then comes dusk, heavy like a blanket of velvet, feeling strangely full of comfort and warmth. Night follows. The rays of the sun are smothered beyond the horizon. Still, there is a modicum of light, as distant stars strain to provide a glimmer in the night sky.

There is darkness deeper, fuller than mere night. It is so overwhelmingly devoid of light that it becomes a substance unto itself. Imagine solitary confinement, where there is just you and the dark, and the darkness that was at first enemy is now your only friend and companion.

I have met the embodiment of each of these levels of darkness. In each instance I failed to recognize the dark for what it was. Though two of these three failures had a devastating effect on the galaxy, one of them has devastated me, more so because I have only just found out twelve years after the man in question has passed from this plane.

I should have known. Looking back I can recall the very instant that should have made me realize that Qui-Gon Jinn was something different than what he seemed.

*^*

"Obi-Wan, I want you."

These were the words I had fantasized hearing Qui-Gon say to me, words I never thought I would hear. Perhaps if we were leading different lives, but not as Jedi. There were rules against such things. I should object. This had to be a test of my resolve to follow the ways of the Jedi.

"Master," I began tentatively, afraid that this was a test, afraid that it was not. "Jedi are not to form attachments."

"We already have an attachment – a training bond. We have had an attachment that is both emotional and mental since you were not quite thirteen." He smiled at me warmly, encouraging me to remember the closeness we had experienced over the last six years. "You are my padawan, will always be my padawan. There will always be an attachment between us."

"But a sexual relationship? Wouldn't that be considered entirely too intimate?"

"It is just another step on the path we already travel." He shrugged then tilted his head down, no longer holding my gaze with his own. "If you are not attracted to me, I will understand."

Even I could tell that was a slight bit of manipulation on his part, but I allowed it to pass because I knew he desired me.

"I do want you, Qui-Gon. It's just…I am not sure it is the right thing to do."

"Of course it is." Qui-Gon strode across the room to me, his long legs carrying him across the floor in four easy strides. He moved into my space, compelling me to backpedal. He never touched me; he simply pressed me back with the force of his presence. "You feel it, do you not? The heat between us? This is not wrong."

My heart was beating too fast, my breathing was too shallow, and I felt too warm indeed. If it was not arousal, then I was surely in need of a trip to the infirmary. I fell forward into Qui-Gon's encompassing embrace. "No, not wrong," I whispered as his lips captured mine. This was not tentative kiss meant to coax me into submission. He knew I was already his and the kiss made me know it as well. Hot. Wet. Passionate. I was well and truly breathless by the time he released my lips. Though not particularly experienced, I was eager for anything and everything he was willing to do. It would be inappropriate to say he took my virginity or even that I gave it to him. Rather, I flung it at him, discarding it recklessly, no holding back, no shyness.

We did not bother to adjourn to one of the bedrooms for our first time together. The floor seemed to be the perfect place in that moment. Afterwards, as we lay sweaty and tangled together, Qui-Gon told me that I was amazing and beautiful and that he would never be able to get enough of me. He never told me that he loved me.

*^*

Over the years there were many small incidents that I allowed to pass without comment or reflection. It is possible that I allowed my relationship with Qui-Gon prevent me from seeing a great many things as I should have. I specifically recall treaty negotiations on Corlivan. A concession made too quickly. The representative claimed to have suddenly "seen the light" after a far too brief conversation with my master.

There were also the large incidents that I did question, but allowed Qui-Gon to silence me. The largest of these was the presence of Anakin Skywalker in our lives.

From start to finish, the choices Qui-Gon made while on Tatooine were suspect. Having encountered the boy, he should have let him be, despite his high midichlorian count. Anakin was in no immediate danger. Someone could have returned later for him. The boy and his mother were slaves, but were treated well. Their Toydarian master, Watto, was not threatening to trade or sell them. Most importantly, they were together. Separating Anakin from his mother was possibly the worst thing that could have been done to him.

Though it might not seem so, it would have been far more in keeping with the Jedi way to subdue Watto, procure the needed hyperdrive, and leave our Republic credits behind. In all likelihood, further restitution would have been made in the Toydarian's preferred funds after our mission was complete. Rather than take this simple, and mostly fair, route to our goal, Qui-Gon got involved in that far-fetched pod race gamble.

Ultimately this accomplished the mission goal of obtaining the hyperdrive and it also gave Anakin a taste of what the Jedi, and Qui-Gon, could offer: freedom, the chance to help others, and let's not fool ourselves, adventure. Anakin wanted to be part of the world Qui-Gon convinced him was his for the asking. 

Everything that happened with Anakin on Tatooine happened because Qui-Gon wanted it to. I don’t think the boy won that pod race without Qui-Gon's intervention. Qui-Gon wanted to take Anakin back to the Jedi, wanted to present him to the Council as a savior, wanted to be that boy's savior. He wanted those things bad enough to nearly alienate me. 

Three weeks ago I found out that Qui-Gon Jinn had ordered the clones from Kamino. Shortly before we left for Naboo, he had contacted the cloners at Master Dooku's behest and placed the order using the name Sifo-Dyas. It was the Dooku family money that had paid for them. Dooku had apparently convinced Qui-Gon that they were an insurance policy against the increasing greed of the Trade Federation.

I would like to believe he was unaware of Dooku's duplicity, that he was persuaded to purchase those clones as a contingency plan for when the Jedi were no longer enough. He could not have known that it was through the machinations of Dooku and Palpatine that the Jedi would not be enough, couldn't have known that he helped create the tools of a war engineered by those two demons. I hope he did not know.

Qui-Gon must have justified many of his decisions to himself. He never was a rule follower, always a creative thinker not to be bound by absolute strictures. He would have added to the code this line, "There is no black and white, only shades of gray."

If only he had realized that even the palest of grays contains black, enough black to taint even the purest of souls, enough to destroy us all.

Anakin's children need to be hidden from Emperor Palpatine. He will want them. They could be of use to him. He will not have them. 

I will see to that. 

But I am afraid that to do that. To keep them safe, I may need to begin to see things in shades of gray, and I may find it no easier than Qui-Gon to keep the darkness at bay.


End file.
